The 9 Most Overlooked Threats to a Marriage


I feel bad for marital communication, because it gets blamed for everything. For generations, in survey after survey, couples have rated marital communication as the number one problem in marriage. It’s not.

Marital communication is getting a bad rap. It’s like the kid who fights back on the playground. The playground supervisors hear a commotion and turn their heads just in time to see his retaliation. He didn’t create the problem; he was reacting to the problem. But he’s the one who gets caught, so he’s sent off to the principal’s office.

Or, in the case of marital communication, the therapist’s office.

I feel bad for marital communication, because everyone gangs up on him, when the truth is, on the playground of marriage, he’s just reacting to one of the other troublemakers who started the fight:

1. We marry people because we like who they are. People change. Plan on it. Don’t marry someone because of who they are, or who you want them to become. Marry them because of who they are determined to become. And then spend a lifetime joining them in their becoming, as they join you in yours.

2. Marriage doesn’t take away our loneliness. To be alive is to be lonely. It’s the human condition. Marriage doesn’t change the human condition. It can’t make us completely unlonely. And when it doesn’t, we blame our partner for doing something wrong, or we go searching for companionship elsewhere. Marriage is intended to be a place where two humans share the experience of loneliness and, in the sharing, create moments in which the loneliness dissipates. For a little while.

3. Shame baggage. Yes, we all carry it it. We spend most of our adolescence and early adulthood trying to pretend our shame doesn’t exist so, when the person we love triggers it in us, we blame them for creating it. And then we demand they fix it. But the truth is, they didn’t create it and they can’t fix it. Sometimes the best marital therapy is individual therapy, in which we work to heal our own shame. So we can stop transferring it to the ones we love.

4. Ego wins. We’ve all got one. We came by it honestly. Probably sometime around the fourth grade when kids started to be jerks to us. Maybe earlier if our family members were jerks first. The ego was a good thing. It kept us safe from the emotional slings and arrows. But now that we’re grown and married, the ego is a wall that separates. It’s time for it to come down. By practicing openness instead of defensiveness, forgiveness instead of vengeance, apology instead of blame,vulnerability instead of strength, and grace instead of power.

5. Life is messy and marriage is life. So marriage is messy, too. But when things stop working perfectly, we start blaming our partner for the snags. We add unnecessary mess to the already inescapable mess of life and love. We must stop pointing fingers and start intertwining them. And then we can we walk into, andthrough, the mess of life together. Blameless and shameless.

6. Empathy is hard. By its very nature, empathy cannot happen simultaneously between two people. One partner must always go first, and there’s no guarantee of reciprocation. It takes risk. It’s a sacrifice. So most of us wait for our partner to go first. A lifelong empathy standoff. And when one partner actually does take the empathy plunge, it’s almost always a belly flop. The truth is, the people we love are fallible human beings and they will never be the perfect mirror we desire. Can we love them anyway, by taking the empathy plunge ourselves?

7. We care more about our children than about the one who helped us make them. Our kids should never be more important than our marriage, and they should never be less important. If they’re more important, the little rascals will sense it and use it and drive wedges. If they’re less important, they’ll act out until they are given priority. Family is about the constant, on-going work of finding the balance.

8. The hidden power struggle. Most conflict in marriage is at least in part a negotiation around the level of interconnectedness between lovers. Men usually want less. Women usually want more. Sometimes, those roles are reversed. Regardless, when you read between the lines of most fights, this is the question you find: Who gets to decide how much distance we keep between us? If we don’t ask that question explicitly, we’ll fight about it implicitly. Forever.

9. We don’t know how to maintain interest in one thing or one person anymore. We live in a world pulling our attention in a million different directions. The practice of meditation—attending to one thing and then returning our attention to it when we become distracted, over and over and over again—is an essential art. When we are constantly encouraged to attend to the shiny surface of things and to move on when we get a little bored, making our life a meditation upon the person we love is a revolutionary act. And it is absolutely essential if any marriage is to survive and thrive.

As a therapist, I can teach a couple how to communicate in an hour. It’s not complicated. But dealing with the troublemakers who started the fight? Well, that takes a lifetime.

And yet.

It’s a lifetime that forms us into people who are becoming ever more loving versions of ourselves, who can bear the weight of loneliness, who have released the weight of shame, who have traded in walls for bridges, who have embraced the mess of being alive, who risk empathy and forgive disappointments, who love everyone with equal fervor, who give and take and compromise, and who have dedicated themselves to a lifetime of presence and awareness and attentiveness.

And that’s a lifetime worth fighting for.

Source : http://www.huffingtonpost.com/kelly-m-flanagan/the-9-most-overlooked-thr_b_5972534.html


1 note

聰明人的十件必做之事

人的一生,

從三十而立邁向四十不惑的一段路上會有很多新的感悟,
不管怎樣,這十門功課是少不了的。 



一、儲蓄友誼

靠得住的友誼是今生最溫暖的一件外套。
它是靠你的人品和性情打造的,一定要好好地珍惜它,
如果到目前為止,還沒有幾筆,那麼,從現在用心去儲存還來得及。


二、學會放手

這個年齡已經不允許不成熟,當你無力把握命運中的
某種愛、某種緣、某種現實,就要學會放手。
自己一個全新的開始,只要信心在,勇氣就在;努力在,成功就在。


三、播種善良

一定要極盡自己所能,讓那些比你苦、比你難過的人
感受到這世上的陽光和美麗。這樣的善良常常是播種,
在不經意間,就會開出最美麗的人性之花。


四、懂得音樂

一定要學or懂一種樂器,它會洗滌你的身心,
打開你的記憶和想像,更會帶來意想不到的寧靜。
另外還有攝影、收藏,它們都能讓我們的生活增添滋味。


五、避開兩種苦

塵世間有兩苦,一是得不到之苦,二是鍾情之苦。
前者在你付諸努力的前提下,就把一切當作一場賭,
勝之坦然,敗之淡然,好在這年齡還有一定的資本得以捲土重來;
至於後者可說是世間最苦,如果把這時還有這樣的情愫,
一定要像清除灰塵般,把它從心屋掃出去。


六、學會承受

有些事情需要無聲無息地忘記,經過一次,就長一次智慧;
有些苦痛和煩惱得要默默地承受;歷煉一次;就豐富一次。

這個年齡不該再像小時候那樣大喊大叫,痛哭流涕。


七、常懷感恩心

當我們參加完葬禮,總會湧起一些感慨;
當我們大病初癒,總會有萬般珍惜。
感恩的心一定要時時保留,它不僅讓你憐惜身邊事物,
還能平撫慾望和爭鬥,甚至幸福的感覺也往往源自於此。


八、熱愛工作

儘管它不像喝茶、聊天那般愜意,
但它檢驗著我們的智慧和能力,
得以讓我們體現價值及獲得成就。
一定要全心愛它,畢竟它讓你大半生有事做、有飯吃。


九、勤於學習

讀書和學習都是在和智能聊天,每年至少要讀五十本書,
它不僅保證你的記憶力、感悟力,還能讓你維持個性魅力,
這可是練瑜珈做美容所不能達到的效果。


十、享受運動

善用時間運動、享受自然。
你的體重就不會因懶惰而上漲,你的容貌也不會
因歲月而減少生動,在某種程度上更能保存青春、快樂與健康。


Source : http://www.cmoney.tw/notes/note-detail.aspx?nid=16522

Me & Wendy! ^^ (at Equitorial Hotel , Penang)

Me & Wendy! ^^ (at Equitorial Hotel , Penang)

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Me & Nicole. ^^ (at Equitorial Hotel , Penang)

Me & Nicole. ^^ (at Equitorial Hotel , Penang)

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Me & Saw. ^^ (at Equitorial Hotel , Penang)

Me & Saw. ^^ (at Equitorial Hotel , Penang)

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Relaxing myself while waiting for her~ ^^
@angelloke24, #Sunset, #Relax, #RelaxYourself, #RelaxibgMyself, #EnjoyingSunset, #potd, #TheView, #Sunseeker, #FromTheSideMirror, #SideMirror (at Bandar Bayan Baru , Pulau Pinang)

Relaxing myself while waiting for her~ ^^
@angelloke24, #Sunset, #Relax, #RelaxYourself, #RelaxibgMyself, #EnjoyingSunset, #potd, #TheView, #Sunseeker, #FromTheSideMirror, #SideMirror (at Bandar Bayan Baru , Pulau Pinang)

Germany 4 - 0 Portugal
Watched an entertaining match~ ^^
@angelloke24, #WorldCup, #WorldCup2014, #WC2014, #Germany, #GermanyVsPortugal, #SupportGermany, #Muller, #MullerHatTrick, #HatTrick, #GreatGame, #Enjoy, #Football, #FootballMatch, #WorldCupMatch, #WorldCupFever

Germany 4 - 0 Portugal
Watched an entertaining match~ ^^
@angelloke24, #WorldCup, #WorldCup2014, #WC2014, #Germany, #GermanyVsPortugal, #SupportGermany, #Muller, #MullerHatTrick, #HatTrick, #GreatGame, #Enjoy, #Football, #FootballMatch, #WorldCupMatch, #WorldCupFever

Damn right~!!
#DamnRight, #Right, #QOTD, #QuoteOfTheDay,  #Philosophy, #BeYourself, #LoveYourself, #IDontGiveAFuck, #IdontCare

Damn right~!!
#DamnRight, #Right, #QOTD, #QuoteOfTheDay, #Philosophy, #BeYourself, #LoveYourself, #IDontGiveAFuck, #IdontCare

Raspberry Cheesecake。 ~♥ (at Starbucks Strait Quay)

Raspberry Cheesecake。 ~♥ (at Starbucks Strait Quay)

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I need this badly..
#CheerUp, #Sad, #HappyPills, #Happy, #BeHappy, #Motivation, #SimpleQuote, #QuoteOfTheDay, #QOTD

I need this badly..
#CheerUp, #Sad, #HappyPills, #Happy, #BeHappy, #Motivation, #SimpleQuote, #QuoteOfTheDay, #QOTD